Sairly shares 4 tips on how to have a memorable first time with any partner
Sairly shares 4 tips on how to have a memorable first time with any partner
Your first
time (be it ever, or with a new partner) can be incredibly daunting and more
often than not bad. Follow these tips to ensure a memorable session
A former
licensed pharmacist with a Masters in Public Health and now a UK based sex
coach and body coach, Stella’s qualified in Somatic Sex
Education and Sexological Bodywork. She enables people nationally and
internationally to overcome difficulties within relationships – sexual and platonic. Sexual
wellness brand Smile Makers reached invited her to share her wisdom and tips
for on how to prepare for a first-time that works for you.
"Describe
your first sexual experience." I was at a Tantra workshop and the teacher
had asked us to step into the middle of the circle and to describe our first
sexual encounter. "Noooo..." A good number of people started
giggling, wincing, and covered their face with their hands.
Of course,
it takes courage to share such an intimate experience. The reason why people were reluctant
was however not entirely situational. A surprising number of people have quite
negative first-time experiences, even if they are not due sexual violence.
From what I
hear from clients in my Somatic Sexology practice report, many things can go
horribly wrong – both people are really drunk, no condoms,
performance anxiety on both sides, friends/parents walking in on them, really
wanting it "done and over with", in order to "reach the
goal" to not be “virgins” any more, the guys trying to copy something
they’ve seen on porn... you name it! I’ve heard it all.
So, what
causes first time experiences to be so negative, and how can we make them
beautiful and memorable instead?
Tip 1 – Get
to know your own body really well first
Explore
yourself alone first.
Looking at yourself in a mirror and drawing yourself are great strategies!
Bring curiosity and a sense of wonder to your self-exploration. Learn about
your intimate anatomy, especially the arousal zones inside your vagina. I would
suggest to initially explore with fingers and a high quality (no sugars! They
can cause yeast infections) water-based lubricant for the genital area.
Tip 2 – Set
your boundaries
Are you able
to set boundaries? Are you sure?
Ok so you got together with this hot person and things are getting really
exciting. You’ve only just started making out for the first time, and are
preparing to take things further. Is it the first time for both of you? Or
perhaps the first time with each other?
Have a little chat about your experiences. Being truthful about your experience
or lack of. Give your partner some context. If you have not had sex with
another person or want to take intimacy slowly for any reason, they should
emphathise with where you currently are. Starting an open dialogue early on
will manage expectations.
Pressure = red flag behaviour.
Don’t ever give in to physical advances you don’t want, especially if they put you under pressure, or emotional blackmail. Seeing how your partner responds to the boundaries you set will help you to build trust and mutual respect.
Lead by example and always seek consent for any sexual activity. This will also establish a healthy tone which your partner should mirror when wanting to engage in any sexual activity with you.
If you lose a partner because you set boundaries for yourself, rest assured that you are better off without them.
There will be someone else just as attractive who is kind, and respectful too.
Tip 3 –
Communication is key
Learn to
give feedback, and communicate about likes and dislikes. Sound challenging?
This doesn’t have to be as confrontational as it sounds. In fact this can be
part of the pleasure and totally uncritical!
A great way to start communication about what you like and don’t like
is through platonic touch.
Platonic touch = non sexual touch, which includes the buttocks, genitals and
female breasts.
If this sounds like something you would like to explore suggest to your partner
that you try the Betty Martin 3-Minute Game.
Feeling shy? No worries! Send them the video (or this blog post!) by text
message or bring up the suggestion in a casual setting on a day date. It can be
as simple as “hey this looks like a fun way to get to know what we both like?”
or “before we go all the way how about we do some mutual exploration?”
How to play
The receiver is the instructor. It’s your role to talk about the quality of touch, the area, the direction and the pressure. This is going to be a very handy tool to have further down the line so close your eyes and concentrate on your partner's touch. What feels good and what about it feels good ie. because the pressure is firm how you like or the speed is a good pace etc.
The giver is checking in frequently, and is inviting feedback by asking “Like this?” Be completely open to the feedback given and generously follow the receivers instructions. It is a very exciting role to be helping your partner discover new things they find pleasurable!
This ensures you have got the same communication tools available for intimate touch encounters, and can speak about what feels good, even better, and really really nice!
Make sure to ask for consent every step of the way.
Feel free to repeat the steps as often as you like (using a timer is helpful). It’s up to you what happens next but it could be a good idea to establish before:
a)This is platonic touch exercise and we will not be going any “further” today once the exercise is finished.
b)This is a platonic touch exercise and we are open to exploring sexual touch further after the exercise is done.
Once again consent is something that can be taken away so keep talking and respect one another's limitations as something personal to them and not critical of you.
Tip 4 – Plan
ahead
Try to plan
ahead.
Confide in someone you trust such as your local nurse or older sibling
beforehand so you are informed on using contraception correctly if this is new
to you. This is a very responsible and empowering action to take.
The basics
It is important to also both be of legal age. Check what this means for your
country.
As well as having adequate birth control and STI protection in place, you
should both know your status regarding STI’s and your last test date if you
have had any sexual activity with another person before.
Set the mood
You want to be in a safe, familiar place where you won’t be interrupted.
Make the space tidy and beautiful. Light some candles is a quick way to transform a regular room into a more sensual setting, just remember to keep them away from the bed.
A tidy space makes us relax, because unfinished stuff lying around may remind us of work or other things - and relaxation is conducive to feeling more, as well as really being able to focus on the sensations and our partner, instead of being distracted by what we see. For women particularly, beautiful surroundings help us feel beautiful, and shine in our feminine radiance. It can help us expand instead of recoil.
If you can, take things a step further by creating a romantic ambience.
Buy flowers and a small amount of chocolate you really like, or ask your partner to bring some. Don’t drink alcohol (if at all, one small glass of wine or equivalent only!) and don’t take substances as you want to make sure you are both able to give consent for every step of the way. Wear layers of clothing that feel nice to the skin, make you feel beautiful, and are comfortable too. Dim the lights, and play music if you like.
It’s a big occasion! Let’s put some effort into preparations.
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